Lessons still learning.....

Good morning Lord.  So I have been thinking about what I have learned in 2013, you know a little self reflection.  I must say, that there are many things I am surprised about myself and some things that seem to be a constant that I wish would change.  Here they go God, I'm sure you already knew this, but what the heck, maybe writing them down will help me make a mental note that change CAN happen!
Here we go:

1. A circle must be my favorite shape.  I seem to go around and around the same mental and physical set backs.  I tend to react the same way to things and get frustrated with myself for my lack of improvement when I should know better.

2. 24 hours in a day is just enough.  I remember just laying in bed and thinking, thank you God for not giving us super loooong days.  I know that I have complained in the past about there not being enough time in a day, but really God it's just enough.  Enough to enjoy the good and just enough to go to sleep when it's really bad.  The24 hours is a cut off for people like me to know we can always start over.  That new days are just ahead.  That things don't have to perpetually stay the same.  The new days are a reminder of new beginnings and fresh starts and of your never ending mercy and grace.  I did however think "well what about good days and making them last longer?"  or "wouldn't it be nice if days were longer for vacation purposes?", but what if they were longer and we just got complacent with things or the "good"  feeling would wear off and we wouldn't appreciate them as much?  Who knows.  But for me 24 hours was a great call Lord.  You're soooooo smart!

3. I've realized that I am a control freak.  I would take back the sleepless nights of waking up with a new born than to deal with the uncertainties of adolescents.  I can't stand the fact I have to let go of the control I have with my teenage son.  I love the idea of measuring food and picking out what they will wear and know where they are, what they are doing and having the power to decide the inbetweens.  I may sound crazy, but letting go of this control Jesus has been hard.  It's made my heart ache thinking that I can't control every decision my son will make, I can't control what or who he will like and follow.  I can't control what will happen later and not knowing makes me uneasy.  That's where YOU step in.  You step in to show me, YOU are in control.  You step in and remind me that even though I raise my children here, ultimately they are YOURS and YOU will take care of them too.  Why should I fear? What YOU are showing me God is how much YOU are to me.  My backbone, my peace, my comfort and guide through uncertainty.  You are my reminder of HOPE, my calmness when all I want to do is worry.  You are beautiful, just so wonderful to me.

4. I've learned that it's never over til it's over! ( Watching sports games really shows us this too! LOL)God, I'm learning that even when it seems that things may be done, or that the impossibilities stare us straight in the face, YOU can make a way.  I can't describe YOUR awesomeness or amazing self, but all I can say is remember when I was scared about finances?  Remember when I felt like we had to work more or do more because I just couldn't understand how we were going to make it with 4 kids and getting the pay we would get?  I remember reading the parable about the 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish  ( John 6:1-14) and I remember thinking, "You really CAN do SO MUCH WITH SO LITTLE!"
That's what You keep on doing, taking the little that I have, whether it's in the area of finances, or faith, fitness, or belief and YOU show me all YOU want is for us to give you that and YOU will do the rest!  Thank you God for doing so much with so little!
Luke 1:37 "FOR NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD."

5.  Lastly, You are showing me it's okay to be me.  It's okay that I mess up and am NOT perfect.  It's okay that I have to repeat lessons over and over sometimes.  You still love me the same.  It's okay if I drift off or don't do things EXACTLY the way I should, YOU are STILL PERFECT and YOU STILL come through!  I am so glad YOU are God and not me.  I'm so glad that even though You know me, You love me the same.  Thank you for showing me it's okay to not be perfect.

Living sacrifice........

Romans 12:1 " Therefore I urge you broithers in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. 

Help me with this one Lord....I eat uncontrolably, try different fad diets and seem to be losing my mind trying to know how to eat?? I am embarrassed even writng this cause how did I get to the point where I needed help with something so simple like  eating....I need your help God, its been a long circular roller coaster ride and I think I'm nauseaus and need to get off.  Please help me to live as a spriritual sacrficfice to you and take care of the body you have given me.

I can't tell you enough how I have tried almost everything possible.  I've even stared at E entertainment at one point wondering  if I looked at celebrities maybe that would motivate me to get up and do something.  All that ever did was leave me deflated and even more discouraged and SUPER far from my goals.  If I am coming off as a vain person, please know that is NOT my intention.  But what I can say is that dealing with weight issues or poor eating habits affects waaaaay more than your physical body, it can corrupt your mood, weigh heavy on your mind and distort your outlook on things.  It can paralyze you into thinking you have failed and have no way to make any change ever.  It can actually make you feel helpless as if you are a slave to yourself.

Then it hit me.....I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't even know the first thing about where to start.  That's ok, cause it hit me, God I want you to be my trainer.  Yes, my trainer.  I ask you to help me in EVERY area of my life,  even in my journey to health and fitness.  I don't want to do anything without you or get obsessive or distracted.  I want all that I do to glorify YOU and that means even taking care of the body you have given me.  Yes, I know God that it means prayer, intentional good choices even in the types of food I allow in my body.  Here's how I see it Lord, you made us, you know what makes us work, please give us motivation and strength to not give up.  Please reign in every area of our life, even in our physical health.

God, 2 Corinthians 7:1 says, "With promises like this to pull us on, dear friends, let’s make a clean break with everything that defiles or distracts us, both within and without. Let’s make our entire lives fit and holy temples for the worship of God."

I want to give you my ALL....inside and out.  Am I perfect, heck No!  Will I probably come to you for help over and over? Yes, of course, but I don't care.  God, if you are with me who can be against me?  That means when MY OWN mind wants to tell me I have failed, or I can't change my poor habits, I will YELL back " WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!"  even against  mental, emotional and physical burdens.  I am not in this alone and that makes me smile, that makes me try again, that makes me believe I am one step closer!

Running Aimlessly..

Yet again I find myself overwhelmed and feeling way too busy.  I am going through my day exhausted and hardly feel as though I have gotten anything done.  I want to do it ALL!  Conquer the world, I have many, many plans, but I have NO idea where to begin.  I plop on my couch for about 5 minutes before the kids start asking for food, before an argument starts and before I realize its already time to feed, bathe, pray and put kids to sleep.  I'm tired.  Very Tired. 

I started going to a cross fit gym and LOVE it, however, after going back to work as a teacher, the classes offered conflict with my schedule.  I am torn and distressed at the fact that I may have to stop taking these classes.  You see, working a full time job and coming home having to also pull a full time shift can be very demanding.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a parent, but I HATE feeling like I can't do it all, or that my time is split between a hundred different things.  I find myself wishing I had more time, but honestly even with more time somehow I get less done.  I work good under pressure.  I am a natural procrastinator.  So even if I did have more time, I would wait til the very LAST minute to get many things accomplished.  I've prayed so much about this, but seriously I have a lot of work to do in that area.  Give me a full time schedule and somehow I will find ways to make things happen.  I may look like a mess, feel like a zombie and get more moody than ever, but I will get things done!

I find myself in my typical situation YET AGAIN.  I want to take on way too many things that squeeze my time and honestly suck out the joy of what I should be experiencing.  I am reading through the book of Corinthians right now and in 1 Corinthians 9:26 it says "So I DO NOT run aimlessly; I DO NOT box as one beating the air." The apostle Paul is talking to the church in Corinth and reminding them not to forget their purpose and goal in life.  Our purpose to share the gospel,  help and serve others.  He talks about having self control, discipline both physically, and mentally.  He talks about our spiritual race we are running and how we run for an "imperishable prize".  And then it hit me......what is my race?  What is my purpose in life?  Am I running aimlessly?  Actually, I think I am.... I think I try to do so much just because I don't want to "miss out" or feel "left behind".  All this doing too much is making me feel like a crazy woman running around doing too much and getting so little done! There is nothing wrong with setting high goals for yourself and pushing yourself to new limits.  However, I am queen of trying to do it all and then doing nothing at ALL!  You know it's bad when people have called you "anticlimactic" or "focused-forgetful" or "corn "Flake" because you don't finish what you start, or you talk the talk and skip the actions part. I need to re-evaluate what I need to do and how I can fit things in my life.  I may have to say "no" to something's, even though I want to say "yes" to it all.

  I may NOT be able to keep up with what others are doing, but maybe, just maybe that's okay.  Maybe, I entered myself into a race that is not for me.  Or maybe I keep on putting expectations on myself that are leaving me breathless and burdened.  Maybe I am trying to keep up, instead of doing what works best for God, myself and my family.  Maybe, I got started running aimlessly, and need to step back and pray that God helps me choose the best.  I don't want to be foolish and "box as one beating the air".  I want every minute in my life to count.  If I can't do it all, then I pray I do the best at whatever I do. 

Lord, fill our hearts with you purpose.  Help us not to run aimlessly, but use our time wisely.  Help us to finish what we start and to be wise about what we choose to spend our time doing.  You are our creator and you know all the desires of our hearts, Please help us run our race with you as our goal.  Help us not waste time with busyness that we barely have time to enjoy and value all that we have.  Give us self discipline to take care of what you have entrusted us with.  And if we do find ourselves being busy with things we do not need to be doing, help redirect us to stay focused NOT forgetful!

Living in Fear makes me NOT me...

Many times we can live in constant fear about things that NOT worrying about something feels uncomfortable.  Being happy and content seems like an unfitting garment that was not meant for us.  There is fear of rejection, not wanting to ever feel the sting of a let down leads us to build some pretty good self defense mechanisms, like over reacting to situations that remind us of a painful experience.  Fear of loneliness.  One of the worst nightmares I have had is the deep feeling of loneliness and not having a partner or someone to share my life with....The ache in my heart was so heavy that I would wake up in fear of living my life alone. It caused me to behave insecurely with those close to me and question even my spouse. ( yes, my dreams seem to spark up emotions that I hate)   Fear of failure.  I rarely do anything that requires risk.  Why?  Well why not?  Who wants to risk failing, missing the mark, making errors that put us in the center to be ridiculed?  I am a natural "dreamer" I can tell you many ideas and plans or things I would like to do, but never really try because deep down inside I feel like it wont happen or I can't do it.  Fear of the future.  I can continue forever with fears that never seem to end, but I'd rather get to the really good stuff that God says!

Living in fear makes me NOT me.  God can't use us to our potential when we bind ourselves with our own insecurities and restraints.  All we can do is try.  I remember hearing Joyce Meyers say "Do it AFRAID".   Who knows how things will turn out, or if there will be let downs and bumps along the way but  Psalm 34 : 17 states " The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them, HE DELIVERS THEM FROM ALL THEIR TROUBLES".  So basically, what I'm reading is : YES there will be troubles, it wont always be a smooth journey through this life, BUT God will deliver us, not from some of our troubles and leave the big troubles to crush us.  No, HE will deliver us from ALL our troubles. 

What areas are you living beneath what God has called you to be?  What is holding you back from being relentless in your walk with God?  What memories or thoughts keep you on lockdown?  What would you do if you weren't afraid? How would you live if that fear wasn't halting your ambitions?


God, fear can be debilitating.  It can leave us stuck in a situation for years not knowing how to escape or even wanting to try. It can make our walk with you distant because we don't want to get too close and deal with any issues or discomfort of correction and growth.  God please help us release our fears to YOU with the EXPECTATION that YOUR word is TRUE, and that you WILL deliver us from our fears.  Help us to dream again, believe again.  Help our hearts be free and our minds be at ease with out tension and worry weighing us down.  In the name of Jesus, I cast all our cares to You because YOU care for us.  Please deliver us from ourselves and our old ways of thinking.

Psalm 34:4 " I SOUGHT the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears"........What a sweet verse to meditate on....

The Great I AM "my Provider"

 

Financial stress is not new to me.  I have dealt with feeling financial pressure from a very young age.  I will NEVER forget all the school loans I took out during my undergraduate years, not  to splurge on meaningless  material things, but help me pay for daycare (struggles of being a single parent and trying to finish school), help make car payments ( I needed transportation) and just the necessities of school.  I look back now and think about times I would say " I'm not hungry" when my school friends and I would have lunch, mainly because I really didn't have money to pay for myself.  I remember one of my closest friends and I sharing 3 bucks and getting chips ( hot cheetohs LOL) and a drink.  It was enough to get by and have some fuel.

 

I remember being angry that my dad left and didn't ever come back like he said when he went to start a business overseas and got settled.  We never got financial help when he left, but the main pain was just the fact he was gone.  Living with my mom was a move from God, I know it.  It placed me in a position to have freedom to go to church and not worry about hiding my faith or being scared of causing anger to my dad.  In a financial sense, she too did not have a lot money, but spiritually we were rich.  However, as a young teenage girl, the affects of not having a lot of money seemed to over shadow the spiritual blessings.  What I'm trying to say is,  there were YEARS where I struggled coming up with enough money to buy school clothes in high school, college, gas, food, ect.  When I went to UCLA as a freshman in college, I had the biggest culture SHOCK in my LIFE!  I felt as though many of my school friends came from well off backgrounds and I just felt inferior, embarrassed that I didn't have as much as others ( I know this sounds probably insignificant, but trust me, the enemy used this to get me to think I didn't belong and no one could relate to me).

Parties, birthdays, and celebrations, always seemed so stressful for me, because I wanted to give great gifts, actually anything, but barely had enough to give what my heart wanted.  It may seem futile to write this, but when you are in a financial rut and you long to give to others and CAN'T, it is a mental, emotional weight carried in your heart. 

I know what its like to be the borrower, and have close friends help me when I had nothing.  I know what its like to look for change in couches or under places to just buy diaper rash cream, even GAS!  I know what its like to try to do a budget only to realize you don't make enough to pay the bills, and you wonder where is the extra money going to come from?

I remember just clinging to Deuteronomy 28:13 "The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom."

I told God I wanted to be a lender, to help those in need.  I told God, I was tired of feeling like I was on the bottom barely getting by, living in defeat.  When I got a hold of that verse, it was a reminder of God's heart to bless us, help us even financially.  I want to be blessed so I can bless others.
Here I am NOW.....God you have taken me from the financial hardship of my youth and have placed my feet on solid ground.  You have given me hope and many opportunities to grow and see YOUR mighty hand move on my behalf.  You've done so much for me....for me....I can NEVER EVER repay you for your goodness to me. God Thank you for the "turn around".  Thank you for making me the head and not the tail.  Thank you for supplying all of our needs.  God I come to you now, many people are struggling, working their hearts and bodies tirelessly to make a living.  Please give us help, please bless your people.  Take any financial mountain that stand in our way and show your mighty power.  Give our minds rest from financial stress, help us to look away from the number crunching and the daunting struggle of being debt free and look to you for guidance in how to manage money.  For those that need blessing over businesses, bless them, for those who need a job, provide, for those who are barely making it, bring abundance! I ask this in the only name that matters...in JESUS NAME AMEN!

Romans 15:13 " May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and PEACE as you TRUST in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hope

There are prayers that I have been praying for years.  Hopes of restoration and healing that I have been waiting for God to answer.  There are situations that I see as my "thorns" that keep me in prayer.  They actually poke me to remind me to keep fighting, fasting, praying and bring me to my knees because I get tired, restless and many times discouraged.  I remember reading a verse in the bible that said " Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12.
I remember telling God, my heart is sick, how long Jesus until things are settled?  You said hope deferred makes the heart sick, so when is my longing going to be fulfilled?  Well I would love to say that HE responded quick and easy, but NO HE didn't.  What I realized and am still learning is that through this waiting, I am learning more about God's nature, about HIS timing about MY heart and what I still need to work on in ME.  Going through the wait or having this hope fulfilled is teaching me more about what many verses in the bible mean.  For instance in Romans 8:24-25 it says " For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not YET have, we wait for it patiently."

UGH!!! There's that word PATIENTLY .  Nope, don't got that down.  That's where I stop and say "Really, God? You don't think waiting for the past 12 years is enough? I mean to me that seems like a pretty good darn time?"  But then I think, actually NO, I haven't been the most patient and even now I KNOW I get in God's way with my attitude, complaining, anger and ATTITUDE.  Oh wait, I said that one already, well I guess that's because its a big one for me.  My attitude really needs a lot of work if I am going to be patient in my waiting.

There is a verse that I would sing in songs, I'm sure you might have heard it, it sings  "Your grace is enough for me".  I would sing it all happy like I meant it, until last summer the actual bible verse got me thinking.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9 God is talking to Paul about a struggle (thorn) that Paul is dealing with and says "MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN YOUR WEAKNESS".  It wasn't until last summer where that verse took hold of my heart.  I had been hoping, waiting for a certain situation to change or get closure in a matter.  I thought that getting that closure or being told what I wanted to hear from this person, was going to help me heal, feel better, move on.  The battle in my life was that I wanted to let out my frustration, tell this person all the wrong and pain they had caused me because you see, if I let it all out and tell them, then I was hoping that "HE/SHE" would make me feel better.  Quickly this verse made me think, what does it mean YOUR grace is enough?  I mean really what does that mean? 

God had instructed me to NOT talk, to NOT handle things my usual way, to keep still, silent and see how HIS grace was going to be enough to heal my wounds, lift my head and weary heart.  I remember it so strong in my spirit, that HIS grace, HIS love, HE alone was going to answer my aching heart EVEN THOUGH the situation wasn't changing.  I was hit with a reality check that I was believing more to get peace and strength from a person than I was from God.

Is it possible to have God's grace and that be enough to somehow have peace when life seems off balance?  Is it possible to wait patiently when our prayers seem to linger and not get the quick response?  Well, for me I have no other choice, I have to believe that HIS grace will carry me through the waiting of my HOPE being fulfilled. 

Jesus, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for giving me hope against all hope.  Thank you for creating the gift of hope.  It has been an anchor to my soul.  YOU are my hope God.  You are my GOD who does the impossible.  You are my best friend,  I can not say thank you enough because  your grace  has carried me all these years.  God I am sure there are many out there who have prayers that seem to go unanswered, but help us to continue to hope against all hope as Abraham did.  God, work in our minds that we wouldn't let doubt and discouragement bring out the worst in us, but help us relax, and trust you.  And Lord, when we've run out of words to say, please intercede on our behalf.  Help us to be still and rest in YOU!


 

My "in between"

I'm in a "in between" stage right now.  I'm frustrated God that I don't "feel" you right now.  I'm restless that the butterfly feelings seem to have faded.  I read your WORD and want to get that "oooh this is for me" verse.  But lately, it hasn't happened. I wonder God, I wonder if I'm just going through motions, if  I'm not "close" enough to you and that's why I "feel" this way.  Then I think, what if this is just life?  I mean how many times have I read articles about marriages that say, you may not always feel "in love" with your spouse, but you stay committed anyways.  Our feelings are so fickle and can change just by the sound of a song or the smell of a past scent that triggers a memory.  Our feelings can't be an indicator of our walk with you.  I guess I should know this, I just don't like this distant feeling. 

I don't like feeling as though the drive and passion to seek you is a chore.  I want to get excited to wake up and spend time with you.  I want to know the AWE and Wonder of how mighty you are and not minimize WHO YOU ARE.  I think of  Psalm 51:12 " Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit."  Sustain me to seek you even when I don't feel like it.  Help me to find my joy in YOU and be willing to pass through the "feelings".

Lord, you know my heart and how I have no scholarly background about your word.  I read the bible and just pray Holy Spirit that you would make sense of it all and that I would be fed the truth and share with those in need.  I pray that more than just talking about YOU I would be a doer of your WORD.  Please take away this "distant" feeling.  Please help me not rely on my feelings to reflect how close or far I am from you.  Please do not let me get into legalism as if there are steps that I need to do to have your favor or love.  You love me PERIOD end of story.  You gave your son Jesus for my sins, not because I deserved it, but because you love me.  Take away any thoughts that would try to condemn or pass judgment on myself.  I DO NOT want to live by mere feelings, but on your truth.

People have told me that I am "overboard" when it comes to the whole God "thing".   I have had someone close to me sarcastically say, hey "thumper"....meaning bible thumper, and yes, it has bothered me.  I am sure it may even cross people's mind why HE is such a big deal to me, or why I seem to bring HIM up when it comes to big things or the little minute things that I deal with.

I guess it could be because I know what it's like to come from a divorce family and see a lot of pain and violence and KNOW that God made sure my brother, sister and I were safe.  It could be because I know what its like to have so little and be so embarrassed to ask for help, but God made a way.  It could also be the time I was shaken to the core by undeniable heartbreak it literally caused me to lose my voice where I was unable to speak.  It could be the fact that with my firstborn,
I was told he had a chance of having a genetic abnormality and I had to live with thoughts of condemnation wondering if God was mad at me (total LIE from the enemy). It could be the fact that I have been hurt by "Christians" and felt like I wanted the total opposite of what a "Christian" lifestyle was at one point, but later realized no-one is perfect except GOD.  You see this is just the TIP of the iceberg of the things that have drawn me clinging to HIM for help, hope, happiness and life.  There is NO WAY that I would even be here if it wasn't for God pulling me with HIS love, HE has been and is my best friend.  My HERO.  I go in circles with my thoughts, things I do in life and I have never met anyone more patient and able to deal with me with such love and understanding.

God, many times people, sometimes even those in our family, may not understand our walk with you or why we have to go to YOU for decisions.  I pray that we wouldn't worry so much about how "we" look or if it seems foolish, but let our hearts be at ease knowing that YOU know the reasons why and what we have been through to get us to this point.  I pray that we would use our past to be a light of hope to others, that there is a way and that way is YOU. 

And then there's me.......

You know that feeling when you see a really pretty girl, or someone that seems to have it "all" and then that thought comes in your mind "and then there's me".  I think about the "artsy, crafty" person who can whip things out of NO WHERE and make decorating seem like a normal carefree act of some kind.  Or how about the "neat and organized" person, you know the one where everything is labeled, color coded and ORGANIZED!!(By the way, if you are a super neat, organized, crafty person, WOW what a gift for reals!!).  It takes alot of  energy and mental exhaustion for me to try to be organized and neat...really ask my husband! No wait, what about the fitness beasts, you know the people who are dedicated and seem to consistently be in great shape, where I on the other hand seem to love my roller coaster rides with fitness. I'm the poster girl for saying "For reals, I'm starting tomorrow". 

I am hoping that I am not the only one who has ever thought this, but if I am that's okay too.  I realize that comparing yourself to others or feeling waaaaay less than others can be a battle of the mind, but God help me to see my self through YOUR eyes.  I don't write this to get attention or to "fish" for compliments but to be REAL that there are those thoughts that can sink your heart and waste time and energy on things that are really insignificant.  I'm not saying we all can't improve or have the desire to excel, but sometimes God will use different things to get you into HIS word.  You see when I get the "And then there's me" thoughts I have to speak to myself and think of what God says about me.

I need to rememebr that I am running my own race, in Galations 6:4-5 God you say " Each of us should test our own actions.  Then we can take pride in ourselves NOT comparing oursleves with somebody else.  For each of us should carry our OWN load."  Meaning, work on yourself, and where you are at.  Stop looking at where others are because we have no idea about their journey, just our own.  I wasn't born to live under pressure to be like anyone else, but to fulfill God's purpose and plan in my own life.  Of course, we are here to help, serve and encourage one another, but don't get trapped in the enemies plan to get us envying or comparing oursleves to those around us, it steals our joy and leaves us deflated, knocked down and temporarily out of service mentally.

 I heard on a radio station once, that the best way to combat comparing yourself to others is to have a thankful heart.  You see, if you start thanking God for who you are and how you were created, it will lead your heart and mind to see all the good in you. I have a hard time with this so bare with me, as I write this just know that DAILY I ask God to help me be thankful.  Daily I ask HIM to help me see myself through HIS eyes.  I am 35 years old, I have spent the former years not enjoying life and focusing on faults and failures and I REFUSE in the name of Jesus to let the next 35 years be the same.  God tells us in Haggai 2:9 "The glory of this present house WILL BE greater than the former house', says the Lord Almighty.  And in this place I will grant PEACE" declares the Lord Almighty.

I want my latter days, the days to come to be greater.  I don't want to live with regret and look back and see that I wasted time complaining or feeling less than what God made me to be.  I'm not perfect, I have a looooooong way to go, but that okay.  I love the way He loves me no matter what!

Lord, I pray that we would fix our eyes on YOU, not what others are doing, have, or even look like.  Help us to see ourselves through your eyes and walk tall, head up, shouilders back and know "I am fearfully and wonderfully made", "You are not man that you should lie" so if you say it, it must be true!  Bless and help anyone who feels less than enough, who struggles with finding their value and worth.  Help us to be thankful and grateful for what we have and who we are.

What are my beliefs? What does my heart and mind hold true?  What if what I say upsets others or isn't the norm? Trying to walk in your ways God has never seemed more difficult than now.  For some reason I have found myself caught battling in my mind and  thinking  "what if I offend someone?" or "I'll seem weird and crazy" or "geez.... I must be off in the way I think!"  You see living for God isn't easy ESPECIALLY when our beliefs or ideas clash with mainstream thinking.  So much has been going on lately in our world that my heart started to feel down and really burdened with the way things are.  I needed insight and help from the Holy Spirit to lift my heart and remind me of what the "TRUTH" is. I have been reading the book of ACTS, which I will confess never really "interested" me.  OOPS! I don't know if that is wrong to say, but there are some books in the bible that I am more inclined to read than others, and I don't remember the book of Acts being one of them UNTIL NOW!

Wow!  Talk about a huge wake up call to me about how awesome the Holy Spirit is, or How God can change anyone, anytime, anywhere (Acts 9)!  This book has given me insight of speaking BOLDLY and how that boldness can change lives and even leave people astonished (Acts 4:13).  This book has taught me to really think about what I stand for and if I just go with the crowds. Acts 19:32 says " The assembly was in confusion: some were shouting one thing and some another. MOST OF THE PEOPLE DID NOT KNOW WHY THEY WERE THERE." That last part made me think, do we tend to just go where the crowd is, do what others do and NOT even know why we do those things?  Are we informed of the situation or do we just jump on one side without giving thought to our actions?

You see I am believing God for change and salvation and when I see that He can change a man's heart like Paul, it whispers "Don't worry I got this...", And when I wonder if I should speak about my beliefs I read Acts 18:9 "One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: "Do not be afraid; keep on SPEAKING, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city."  Now, I know I am not Paul, but I believe God speaks those same words to us even now.  Do not be afraid, I am with you.....and check out this cool part: God had to remind and let Paul know that HE had many people in that city.  WHY?  Why do you think God had to tell him that?  I believe it was to remind Paul he wasn't the only believer there, he wasn't alone in his walk and beliefs.  I have felt alone as a believer many times, like no one understood me.  But that's not true, God has many people in my city, in your city!  That's why fellowship is so important, it keeps us not only accountable but encouraged.

God,
My WORST subject EVER has been English, you know that people correct my grammar all the time and yet I have such a strong desire to write about you.  So Lord it may not be all written in APA format and I don't use nice fancy words, but God I will speak....You have done too much for me to stay silent.
I pray right now for all the believers out there who feel like the minority or alone in their walk with you.  Remind them we are out there believing together.  God, steady our hearts and help us not only speak with words if needed but speak with our ACTIONS in love and boldness. May your favor and confidence fill us, in Jesus Name Amen!

Seriously?

Isn't it crazy how things just happen when you get the idea of wanting to do something for God?  I mean all I wanted to do is start a blog, a page, something to express my gratitude towards Him, and to help others not feel as if they are  alone in this walk. The moment I made it clear to start this page ( clear in my mind, with God and told my husband), all of a sudden I started having some issues at home.  Kids decided to go crazy on me, my teenager has been more moody like there has been a FULL MOON everyday!  The younger boys played with our brand new computer and it crashed and  I've been in an "out of it" rut feeling.  Resulting in no blog posts, no working on getting a page started, nothing, absolutely NOTHING.  I mean I have the desire Lord, I want to write and share devotionals and do something that reminds me of what my purpose is.  Honestly, I've been afraid to try, afraid to get to that point of being "sold out" for YOU because it does come with a price.  It means that even when things go wrong, issues arise, or maybe I don't have that same "feeling" of excitement, that I will still push through and still commit time with you everyday. 

When things get hard, which they usually do, I want to say never mind, I will just coast by.  Live my life, be content with everyday duties. BUT there's that tug, that tug on my heart that reminds me that our life is NOT our own.  It was paid with a price by YOU.  So God, lately I haven't been feeling the butterflies, and the "wow" passion to write or even have quiet time, but I need you.  I need you even in the "rut" days, ESPECIALLY in those "out of it" days. 

So God I ask you to work in me, and help those who are also feeling distant with you to make time everyday to get in your word.  Help us to press in and try, even when the butterflies seem to fly away and complacency fills our days.  Keep our minds aware of your presence and our hearts craving more of YOU.  We need You the great "I AM" to wake up our spirits to be INTENTIONAL in our walk with you. Help us to get up, pray, read your word, and make time with YOU.  Help us not get so busy in our own "to do" list that you become left out.  Lord help us..... in Jesus name AMEN!

One of the hardest things about life is LIVING IT!

 One of the hardest things about life is living it.  So much going on, demands of life, knowing right from wrong, and keeping our relationship with Jesus REAL and close is just a glimpse of what we deal with.  I must confess I mess up ALOT, my past will show many errors and failurs and yes, wrong choices.....very wrong.  But through it all, God you brought people, circumstances, things in my life that have helped mold and guide me.  I know that no one is perfect, but I owe who I am to YOU, where I am to YOU, what I have is because of YOU and because of YOU, I want my life to reflect your love and power. 

I write this God because many times I think I put alot of pressure on myself and feel like Im not doing enough, but what you are showing me is that just being "me" was enough for you to come and die for my sins.  And the craziest part is, that I wasn't even born yet!! You love me for me, PERIOD.  I dont have to get all dressed up and dolled up for you to notice me.  I dont have to have a degree or a fabulous career to get your attention, you just love me for me.  So God I want you to know that I am trying, to please you in all I do and I know there are many out there who do the same. 

So God I pray right now for all believers out there, who yearn and desire to seek your face and walk with you.  Give us direction and guidance.  Help us not get distracted with things of little value that waste our time, but help us to dance with you, laugh with you, enjoy each day to the fullest knowing we are loved!  Help us to not forget our first love which is YOU.  Lord keep our walk and relationship with you real and help us not conform to what the world says, but what your WORD states as truth.  Help us to reach out and bless those in need and not get trapped in our own bubble that we lose sight of what you have called us to do. May you strengthen us daily, give us discernment in decisions we make and help us not to forget you carry our burdens and break strongholds.  Thank you God for your direction and help.

Grounded

It's very easy for me Lord to get sidetracked with things I see, hear or watch.  Just the other day I read an article that was implying what was the "right" way to raise kids and things you "should" be doing.  All of a sudden I felt a rush of anger, condemnation and even confusion as I started to second guess things that I have been doing.  Lord, I do this a lot, not just with parenting, but in almost EVERYTHING!  After a moment of prayer and thinking I started to think about what the WORD says about things such as parenting.  I started to pray and realize that God in this life we will hear and see all kinds of "clutter" that can get us out of sorts and feeling a little lost. 

It's happened to me even with eating!  I mean there are soooo many different diets, trends, and articles that can drown a person if they try to figure it all out!  As a teacher myself, I have seen the pendulum swing from one point of view about education to another in a matter of days.  Lord, help us as women, who at times are very emotional and sensitive to be strong in our knowledge of YOU and YOUR WORD.
 Help us to be grounded in what your word says, so we don't feel overwhelmed or confused about what the world says we should be doing.  Help us as women to hold onto what you teach, because it doesn't change.  And honestly, just that in itself, the fact that your WORD DOESNT CHANGE , gives me peace in knowing that I don't have to worry about tomorrow and having to figure things out all over again.

Lord, I pray for anyone right now who may be under pressure or stress, trying to "figure" things out on their own, that they would take time and read your precious word and find wisdom.  Help us to be calm and breathe, knowing that YOU have given us answers in your scripture.... we just need to take a "time out" and look.  Thank you Lord for your help and for lifting any burdens in our hearts.  In JESUS name, AMEN!

Isaiah 40:8 "The grass withers and the flowers fall, BUT the WORD of our GOD stands forever."

Easy does it.....

God why is it so hard to just believe?  I mean to really trust YOU can do anything?  As I read 2 kings chapter 3, a section really stuck out to me.  The king of Judah and Israel are off with their men to fight in a battle.  After 7 days they are completely out of water with no water in sight for them or their animals.  The king of Judah with discernment realizes they need to seek God and he asks to speak with a prophet of God.  What will they do?  About to go into battle, tired, thirsty and I'm sure discouraged.  Here is what the prophet Elisha says: 2 Kings 3:16 " And he (Elisha) said "Thus says the Lord, 'I will make this DRY streambed FULL of pools' For thus says the LORD, 'You shall not see wind or rain, but that streambed shall be filled with water, so that you shall drink, you, your livestock, and your animals'. This is an EASY thing in the sight of the LORD. 

EASY??  What part of making nothing into something is EASY?  When I read this the first time, I just read through it.  But as I took another look, actually more time with less distractions around me, the word EASY stuck out again.  You see God it hit me that many times I don't think things are easy.  There are problems, fears, doubts and situations that seem so hard to change or overcome, that I think I have made myself believe that if its too hard for me, than it might be too hard for you.  I mean I'm a Christian, I should know better, but honestly I don't.  Actually, I am realizing that maybe when I say you are all powerful and sing songs in church that maybe, just maybe my heart and mind have not really come into terms that these "hard" things in my life, may be "hard" for me, but are very "EASY" for you to handle and change.

Lord I pray for those reading this and those anywhere that are in a position that feel dry or maybe facing a difficult situation and just cant see how things will work out or change.  Lord make their "dry streambed" FULL of pools of water, in other words HOPE.  Help us to know that things are "EASY" for YOU.  Nothing is too big, or tough for you to handle! Lord even if we can't SEE the change, just like the Israelites couldn't see wind or rain, remind us, "this is EASY for YOU, YOU got this".  Lord fill our dry areas, help us to be filled with your hope and peace.  In JESUS name AMEN!

me, myself and I AM

I am NOT a blogger.  I have NO idea what I am doing or even how to make things look cutesy and nice.  The thought of even starting this blog all started from thoughts of writing a book, then to just having titles for a book, finally it has come down to writing my thoughts down on a blog.  I am one of those people who feel like I can not really serve the Lord unless everything in my life is right and in order and just "right".  Well after many, many years of trying to get it all right, I realized it just was NOT going to happen.  You see, waiting for things to work out right or to "feel" like I was in the right place to really serve the Lord was just a way the enemy could get me to be complacent and not do ANYTHING.  So God here I am.  I want to serve you, I want to express my deep love and gratitude for all you have done for me.  Lord I want more of YOU in my life.  I am learning God the more I feel "off balanced" or "out of it" is the more I need to center my life around you.  So in this blog God I want to encourage and help those who also struggle finding balance and purpose, to see that our main focus needs to be YOU, the great I AM.  So as I step out and do this Lord, I ask that this be about YOU and not me.  God through it all, through every stage of my life one thing remains unchanged and that is to find me, to know myself, I need YOU the great "I AM".