My "in between"

I'm in a "in between" stage right now.  I'm frustrated God that I don't "feel" you right now.  I'm restless that the butterfly feelings seem to have faded.  I read your WORD and want to get that "oooh this is for me" verse.  But lately, it hasn't happened. I wonder God, I wonder if I'm just going through motions, if  I'm not "close" enough to you and that's why I "feel" this way.  Then I think, what if this is just life?  I mean how many times have I read articles about marriages that say, you may not always feel "in love" with your spouse, but you stay committed anyways.  Our feelings are so fickle and can change just by the sound of a song or the smell of a past scent that triggers a memory.  Our feelings can't be an indicator of our walk with you.  I guess I should know this, I just don't like this distant feeling. 

I don't like feeling as though the drive and passion to seek you is a chore.  I want to get excited to wake up and spend time with you.  I want to know the AWE and Wonder of how mighty you are and not minimize WHO YOU ARE.  I think of  Psalm 51:12 " Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit."  Sustain me to seek you even when I don't feel like it.  Help me to find my joy in YOU and be willing to pass through the "feelings".

Lord, you know my heart and how I have no scholarly background about your word.  I read the bible and just pray Holy Spirit that you would make sense of it all and that I would be fed the truth and share with those in need.  I pray that more than just talking about YOU I would be a doer of your WORD.  Please take away this "distant" feeling.  Please help me not rely on my feelings to reflect how close or far I am from you.  Please do not let me get into legalism as if there are steps that I need to do to have your favor or love.  You love me PERIOD end of story.  You gave your son Jesus for my sins, not because I deserved it, but because you love me.  Take away any thoughts that would try to condemn or pass judgment on myself.  I DO NOT want to live by mere feelings, but on your truth.

People have told me that I am "overboard" when it comes to the whole God "thing".   I have had someone close to me sarcastically say, hey "thumper"....meaning bible thumper, and yes, it has bothered me.  I am sure it may even cross people's mind why HE is such a big deal to me, or why I seem to bring HIM up when it comes to big things or the little minute things that I deal with.

I guess it could be because I know what it's like to come from a divorce family and see a lot of pain and violence and KNOW that God made sure my brother, sister and I were safe.  It could be because I know what its like to have so little and be so embarrassed to ask for help, but God made a way.  It could also be the time I was shaken to the core by undeniable heartbreak it literally caused me to lose my voice where I was unable to speak.  It could be the fact that with my firstborn,
I was told he had a chance of having a genetic abnormality and I had to live with thoughts of condemnation wondering if God was mad at me (total LIE from the enemy). It could be the fact that I have been hurt by "Christians" and felt like I wanted the total opposite of what a "Christian" lifestyle was at one point, but later realized no-one is perfect except GOD.  You see this is just the TIP of the iceberg of the things that have drawn me clinging to HIM for help, hope, happiness and life.  There is NO WAY that I would even be here if it wasn't for God pulling me with HIS love, HE has been and is my best friend.  My HERO.  I go in circles with my thoughts, things I do in life and I have never met anyone more patient and able to deal with me with such love and understanding.

God, many times people, sometimes even those in our family, may not understand our walk with you or why we have to go to YOU for decisions.  I pray that we wouldn't worry so much about how "we" look or if it seems foolish, but let our hearts be at ease knowing that YOU know the reasons why and what we have been through to get us to this point.  I pray that we would use our past to be a light of hope to others, that there is a way and that way is YOU. 

And then there's me.......

You know that feeling when you see a really pretty girl, or someone that seems to have it "all" and then that thought comes in your mind "and then there's me".  I think about the "artsy, crafty" person who can whip things out of NO WHERE and make decorating seem like a normal carefree act of some kind.  Or how about the "neat and organized" person, you know the one where everything is labeled, color coded and ORGANIZED!!(By the way, if you are a super neat, organized, crafty person, WOW what a gift for reals!!).  It takes alot of  energy and mental exhaustion for me to try to be organized and neat...really ask my husband! No wait, what about the fitness beasts, you know the people who are dedicated and seem to consistently be in great shape, where I on the other hand seem to love my roller coaster rides with fitness. I'm the poster girl for saying "For reals, I'm starting tomorrow". 

I am hoping that I am not the only one who has ever thought this, but if I am that's okay too.  I realize that comparing yourself to others or feeling waaaaay less than others can be a battle of the mind, but God help me to see my self through YOUR eyes.  I don't write this to get attention or to "fish" for compliments but to be REAL that there are those thoughts that can sink your heart and waste time and energy on things that are really insignificant.  I'm not saying we all can't improve or have the desire to excel, but sometimes God will use different things to get you into HIS word.  You see when I get the "And then there's me" thoughts I have to speak to myself and think of what God says about me.

I need to rememebr that I am running my own race, in Galations 6:4-5 God you say " Each of us should test our own actions.  Then we can take pride in ourselves NOT comparing oursleves with somebody else.  For each of us should carry our OWN load."  Meaning, work on yourself, and where you are at.  Stop looking at where others are because we have no idea about their journey, just our own.  I wasn't born to live under pressure to be like anyone else, but to fulfill God's purpose and plan in my own life.  Of course, we are here to help, serve and encourage one another, but don't get trapped in the enemies plan to get us envying or comparing oursleves to those around us, it steals our joy and leaves us deflated, knocked down and temporarily out of service mentally.

 I heard on a radio station once, that the best way to combat comparing yourself to others is to have a thankful heart.  You see, if you start thanking God for who you are and how you were created, it will lead your heart and mind to see all the good in you. I have a hard time with this so bare with me, as I write this just know that DAILY I ask God to help me be thankful.  Daily I ask HIM to help me see myself through HIS eyes.  I am 35 years old, I have spent the former years not enjoying life and focusing on faults and failures and I REFUSE in the name of Jesus to let the next 35 years be the same.  God tells us in Haggai 2:9 "The glory of this present house WILL BE greater than the former house', says the Lord Almighty.  And in this place I will grant PEACE" declares the Lord Almighty.

I want my latter days, the days to come to be greater.  I don't want to live with regret and look back and see that I wasted time complaining or feeling less than what God made me to be.  I'm not perfect, I have a looooooong way to go, but that okay.  I love the way He loves me no matter what!

Lord, I pray that we would fix our eyes on YOU, not what others are doing, have, or even look like.  Help us to see ourselves through your eyes and walk tall, head up, shouilders back and know "I am fearfully and wonderfully made", "You are not man that you should lie" so if you say it, it must be true!  Bless and help anyone who feels less than enough, who struggles with finding their value and worth.  Help us to be thankful and grateful for what we have and who we are.

What are my beliefs? What does my heart and mind hold true?  What if what I say upsets others or isn't the norm? Trying to walk in your ways God has never seemed more difficult than now.  For some reason I have found myself caught battling in my mind and  thinking  "what if I offend someone?" or "I'll seem weird and crazy" or "geez.... I must be off in the way I think!"  You see living for God isn't easy ESPECIALLY when our beliefs or ideas clash with mainstream thinking.  So much has been going on lately in our world that my heart started to feel down and really burdened with the way things are.  I needed insight and help from the Holy Spirit to lift my heart and remind me of what the "TRUTH" is. I have been reading the book of ACTS, which I will confess never really "interested" me.  OOPS! I don't know if that is wrong to say, but there are some books in the bible that I am more inclined to read than others, and I don't remember the book of Acts being one of them UNTIL NOW!

Wow!  Talk about a huge wake up call to me about how awesome the Holy Spirit is, or How God can change anyone, anytime, anywhere (Acts 9)!  This book has given me insight of speaking BOLDLY and how that boldness can change lives and even leave people astonished (Acts 4:13).  This book has taught me to really think about what I stand for and if I just go with the crowds. Acts 19:32 says " The assembly was in confusion: some were shouting one thing and some another. MOST OF THE PEOPLE DID NOT KNOW WHY THEY WERE THERE." That last part made me think, do we tend to just go where the crowd is, do what others do and NOT even know why we do those things?  Are we informed of the situation or do we just jump on one side without giving thought to our actions?

You see I am believing God for change and salvation and when I see that He can change a man's heart like Paul, it whispers "Don't worry I got this...", And when I wonder if I should speak about my beliefs I read Acts 18:9 "One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: "Do not be afraid; keep on SPEAKING, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city."  Now, I know I am not Paul, but I believe God speaks those same words to us even now.  Do not be afraid, I am with you.....and check out this cool part: God had to remind and let Paul know that HE had many people in that city.  WHY?  Why do you think God had to tell him that?  I believe it was to remind Paul he wasn't the only believer there, he wasn't alone in his walk and beliefs.  I have felt alone as a believer many times, like no one understood me.  But that's not true, God has many people in my city, in your city!  That's why fellowship is so important, it keeps us not only accountable but encouraged.

God,
My WORST subject EVER has been English, you know that people correct my grammar all the time and yet I have such a strong desire to write about you.  So Lord it may not be all written in APA format and I don't use nice fancy words, but God I will speak....You have done too much for me to stay silent.
I pray right now for all the believers out there who feel like the minority or alone in their walk with you.  Remind them we are out there believing together.  God, steady our hearts and help us not only speak with words if needed but speak with our ACTIONS in love and boldness. May your favor and confidence fill us, in Jesus Name Amen!

Seriously?

Isn't it crazy how things just happen when you get the idea of wanting to do something for God?  I mean all I wanted to do is start a blog, a page, something to express my gratitude towards Him, and to help others not feel as if they are  alone in this walk. The moment I made it clear to start this page ( clear in my mind, with God and told my husband), all of a sudden I started having some issues at home.  Kids decided to go crazy on me, my teenager has been more moody like there has been a FULL MOON everyday!  The younger boys played with our brand new computer and it crashed and  I've been in an "out of it" rut feeling.  Resulting in no blog posts, no working on getting a page started, nothing, absolutely NOTHING.  I mean I have the desire Lord, I want to write and share devotionals and do something that reminds me of what my purpose is.  Honestly, I've been afraid to try, afraid to get to that point of being "sold out" for YOU because it does come with a price.  It means that even when things go wrong, issues arise, or maybe I don't have that same "feeling" of excitement, that I will still push through and still commit time with you everyday. 

When things get hard, which they usually do, I want to say never mind, I will just coast by.  Live my life, be content with everyday duties. BUT there's that tug, that tug on my heart that reminds me that our life is NOT our own.  It was paid with a price by YOU.  So God, lately I haven't been feeling the butterflies, and the "wow" passion to write or even have quiet time, but I need you.  I need you even in the "rut" days, ESPECIALLY in those "out of it" days. 

So God I ask you to work in me, and help those who are also feeling distant with you to make time everyday to get in your word.  Help us to press in and try, even when the butterflies seem to fly away and complacency fills our days.  Keep our minds aware of your presence and our hearts craving more of YOU.  We need You the great "I AM" to wake up our spirits to be INTENTIONAL in our walk with you. Help us to get up, pray, read your word, and make time with YOU.  Help us not get so busy in our own "to do" list that you become left out.  Lord help us..... in Jesus name AMEN!