Here and Now 2020

 I can't believe its been SEVEN years since my last entry.  I can't believe that these seemingly "ancient" posts still ring true and meaningful to me now. I guess that's how things work.  There are core common struggles, beliefs and lessons learned that never get old or redundant to remember.  

Trust. Truth. Focus. Keep God center and first, right where He belongs.

So much has happened since December 2013.  I had my fifth son Lucas Rodriguez in 2016.  From 2017-2019  we moved three times with the military.  We left Fort Bragg, N.C. to Fort Irwin, CA, to Fort Bliss, Texas, and then back to Fort Bragg, N.C. where I currently reside.

Within this time frame of constant moving around, I signed up with United House Publishing to write and publish my first book.  The idea and desire to write a teacher's devotional had been stirring in my heart since 2017, but it wasn't until 2018 when I put pen to paper and signed a contract with UHP to get a book published.  Here we are in 2020, pandemic life and teaching remotely and NOW the book is done, published and available for others to read.  It's insane.  It's crazy. It's finished!

The timing of God for this book to be printed could't have been more perfectly planned.  In 2019 I was done writing and so anxious to get it out and available as fast as I could.  However, with many edits and setbacks MY plan of having #TeacherTired published in 2019 did not happen.  I can't begin to express my discouragement and frustration.  I felt like it was a sign I had made a mistake and shouldn't have spent so much time writing and creating a teacher devotional book.  Foolish me.....what was I thinking?

And then, the pandemic hit the U.S. By the end of March 2020 many schools shut down, and we as educators scrambled to figure out how to teach full time online.  Last minute changes, unknown future, and tons to get done all at once. Talk about grit and GRACE.

#TeacherTired was finally published and available to purchase October 2020.  Perfect timing.  Right when many of us were barely keeping up with the demands of teacher life, but we had to factor in  #TeacherTired on a whole new level.

Thank you God for not listening to me.  For waiting until the best time to get this book out, not just for others, but also for me. I need to be reminded of biblical truths that help me stay focused and uplifted during this hard time.

Here I am now. 

Teaching remotely (not sure until when....that's part of this "unknown" season), trying to stay focused on where God has me, while making sure I am present with my family and personal responsibilities. This year threw me for a mental loop.  With so much confusion and turmoil around us, His steadfastness became critical to my mental health and emotional well being.

This year has shook me.  This year has awakened me.  It has confirmed I can't afford to do life with out Jesus.  Our firm foundation.  

Here and Now as we head into 2021......I look forward to the days ahead.  I realize that time can not be recycled.  Once it is gone, it's gone.  I want to be present, living in the here and now. 

Until next time, May we fill up on His truth, and take time to catch our breath.

Lessons still learning.....

Good morning Lord.  So I have been thinking about what I have learned in 2013, you know a little self reflection.  I must say, that there are many things I am surprised about myself and some things that seem to be a constant that I wish would change.  Here they go God, I'm sure you already knew this, but what the heck, maybe writing them down will help me make a mental note that change CAN happen!
Here we go:

1. A circle must be my favorite shape.  I seem to go around and around the same mental and physical set backs.  I tend to react the same way to things and get frustrated with myself for my lack of improvement when I should know better.

2. 24 hours in a day is just enough.  I remember just laying in bed and thinking, thank you God for not giving us super loooong days.  I know that I have complained in the past about there not being enough time in a day, but really God it's just enough.  Enough to enjoy the good and just enough to go to sleep when it's really bad.  The24 hours is a cut off for people like me to know we can always start over.  That new days are just ahead.  That things don't have to perpetually stay the same.  The new days are a reminder of new beginnings and fresh starts and of your never ending mercy and grace.  I did however think "well what about good days and making them last longer?"  or "wouldn't it be nice if days were longer for vacation purposes?", but what if they were longer and we just got complacent with things or the "good"  feeling would wear off and we wouldn't appreciate them as much?  Who knows.  But for me 24 hours was a great call Lord.  You're soooooo smart!

3. I've realized that I am a control freak.  I would take back the sleepless nights of waking up with a new born than to deal with the uncertainties of adolescents.  I can't stand the fact I have to let go of the control I have with my teenage son.  I love the idea of measuring food and picking out what they will wear and know where they are, what they are doing and having the power to decide the inbetweens.  I may sound crazy, but letting go of this control Jesus has been hard.  It's made my heart ache thinking that I can't control every decision my son will make, I can't control what or who he will like and follow.  I can't control what will happen later and not knowing makes me uneasy.  That's where YOU step in.  You step in to show me, YOU are in control.  You step in and remind me that even though I raise my children here, ultimately they are YOURS and YOU will take care of them too.  Why should I fear? What YOU are showing me God is how much YOU are to me.  My backbone, my peace, my comfort and guide through uncertainty.  You are my reminder of HOPE, my calmness when all I want to do is worry.  You are beautiful, just so wonderful to me.

4. I've learned that it's never over til it's over! ( Watching sports games really shows us this too! LOL)God, I'm learning that even when it seems that things may be done, or that the impossibilities stare us straight in the face, YOU can make a way.  I can't describe YOUR awesomeness or amazing self, but all I can say is remember when I was scared about finances?  Remember when I felt like we had to work more or do more because I just couldn't understand how we were going to make it with 4 kids and getting the pay we would get?  I remember reading the parable about the 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish  ( John 6:1-14) and I remember thinking, "You really CAN do SO MUCH WITH SO LITTLE!"
That's what You keep on doing, taking the little that I have, whether it's in the area of finances, or faith, fitness, or belief and YOU show me all YOU want is for us to give you that and YOU will do the rest!  Thank you God for doing so much with so little!
Luke 1:37 "FOR NOTHING WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD."

5.  Lastly, You are showing me it's okay to be me.  It's okay that I mess up and am NOT perfect.  It's okay that I have to repeat lessons over and over sometimes.  You still love me the same.  It's okay if I drift off or don't do things EXACTLY the way I should, YOU are STILL PERFECT and YOU STILL come through!  I am so glad YOU are God and not me.  I'm so glad that even though You know me, You love me the same.  Thank you for showing me it's okay to not be perfect.

Living sacrifice........

Romans 12:1 " Therefore I urge you broithers in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. 

Help me with this one Lord....I eat uncontrolably, try different fad diets and seem to be losing my mind trying to know how to eat?? I am embarrassed even writng this cause how did I get to the point where I needed help with something so simple like  eating....I need your help God, its been a long circular roller coaster ride and I think I'm nauseaus and need to get off.  Please help me to live as a spriritual sacrficfice to you and take care of the body you have given me.

I can't tell you enough how I have tried almost everything possible.  I've even stared at E entertainment at one point wondering  if I looked at celebrities maybe that would motivate me to get up and do something.  All that ever did was leave me deflated and even more discouraged and SUPER far from my goals.  If I am coming off as a vain person, please know that is NOT my intention.  But what I can say is that dealing with weight issues or poor eating habits affects waaaaay more than your physical body, it can corrupt your mood, weigh heavy on your mind and distort your outlook on things.  It can paralyze you into thinking you have failed and have no way to make any change ever.  It can actually make you feel helpless as if you are a slave to yourself.

Then it hit me.....I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't even know the first thing about where to start.  That's ok, cause it hit me, God I want you to be my trainer.  Yes, my trainer.  I ask you to help me in EVERY area of my life,  even in my journey to health and fitness.  I don't want to do anything without you or get obsessive or distracted.  I want all that I do to glorify YOU and that means even taking care of the body you have given me.  Yes, I know God that it means prayer, intentional good choices even in the types of food I allow in my body.  Here's how I see it Lord, you made us, you know what makes us work, please give us motivation and strength to not give up.  Please reign in every area of our life, even in our physical health.

God, 2 Corinthians 7:1 says, "With promises like this to pull us on, dear friends, let’s make a clean break with everything that defiles or distracts us, both within and without. Let’s make our entire lives fit and holy temples for the worship of God."

I want to give you my ALL....inside and out.  Am I perfect, heck No!  Will I probably come to you for help over and over? Yes, of course, but I don't care.  God, if you are with me who can be against me?  That means when MY OWN mind wants to tell me I have failed, or I can't change my poor habits, I will YELL back " WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!"  even against  mental, emotional and physical burdens.  I am not in this alone and that makes me smile, that makes me try again, that makes me believe I am one step closer!

Running Aimlessly..

Yet again I find myself overwhelmed and feeling way too busy.  I am going through my day exhausted and hardly feel as though I have gotten anything done.  I want to do it ALL!  Conquer the world, I have many, many plans, but I have NO idea where to begin.  I plop on my couch for about 5 minutes before the kids start asking for food, before an argument starts and before I realize its already time to feed, bathe, pray and put kids to sleep.  I'm tired.  Very Tired. 

I started going to a cross fit gym and LOVE it, however, after going back to work as a teacher, the classes offered conflict with my schedule.  I am torn and distressed at the fact that I may have to stop taking these classes.  You see, working a full time job and coming home having to also pull a full time shift can be very demanding.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a parent, but I HATE feeling like I can't do it all, or that my time is split between a hundred different things.  I find myself wishing I had more time, but honestly even with more time somehow I get less done.  I work good under pressure.  I am a natural procrastinator.  So even if I did have more time, I would wait til the very LAST minute to get many things accomplished.  I've prayed so much about this, but seriously I have a lot of work to do in that area.  Give me a full time schedule and somehow I will find ways to make things happen.  I may look like a mess, feel like a zombie and get more moody than ever, but I will get things done!

I find myself in my typical situation YET AGAIN.  I want to take on way too many things that squeeze my time and honestly suck out the joy of what I should be experiencing.  I am reading through the book of Corinthians right now and in 1 Corinthians 9:26 it says "So I DO NOT run aimlessly; I DO NOT box as one beating the air." The apostle Paul is talking to the church in Corinth and reminding them not to forget their purpose and goal in life.  Our purpose to share the gospel,  help and serve others.  He talks about having self control, discipline both physically, and mentally.  He talks about our spiritual race we are running and how we run for an "imperishable prize".  And then it hit me......what is my race?  What is my purpose in life?  Am I running aimlessly?  Actually, I think I am.... I think I try to do so much just because I don't want to "miss out" or feel "left behind".  All this doing too much is making me feel like a crazy woman running around doing too much and getting so little done! There is nothing wrong with setting high goals for yourself and pushing yourself to new limits.  However, I am queen of trying to do it all and then doing nothing at ALL!  You know it's bad when people have called you "anticlimactic" or "focused-forgetful" or "corn "Flake" because you don't finish what you start, or you talk the talk and skip the actions part. I need to re-evaluate what I need to do and how I can fit things in my life.  I may have to say "no" to something's, even though I want to say "yes" to it all.

  I may NOT be able to keep up with what others are doing, but maybe, just maybe that's okay.  Maybe, I entered myself into a race that is not for me.  Or maybe I keep on putting expectations on myself that are leaving me breathless and burdened.  Maybe I am trying to keep up, instead of doing what works best for God, myself and my family.  Maybe, I got started running aimlessly, and need to step back and pray that God helps me choose the best.  I don't want to be foolish and "box as one beating the air".  I want every minute in my life to count.  If I can't do it all, then I pray I do the best at whatever I do. 

Lord, fill our hearts with you purpose.  Help us not to run aimlessly, but use our time wisely.  Help us to finish what we start and to be wise about what we choose to spend our time doing.  You are our creator and you know all the desires of our hearts, Please help us run our race with you as our goal.  Help us not waste time with busyness that we barely have time to enjoy and value all that we have.  Give us self discipline to take care of what you have entrusted us with.  And if we do find ourselves being busy with things we do not need to be doing, help redirect us to stay focused NOT forgetful!

Living in Fear makes me NOT me...

Many times we can live in constant fear about things that NOT worrying about something feels uncomfortable.  Being happy and content seems like an unfitting garment that was not meant for us.  There is fear of rejection, not wanting to ever feel the sting of a let down leads us to build some pretty good self defense mechanisms, like over reacting to situations that remind us of a painful experience.  Fear of loneliness.  One of the worst nightmares I have had is the deep feeling of loneliness and not having a partner or someone to share my life with....The ache in my heart was so heavy that I would wake up in fear of living my life alone. It caused me to behave insecurely with those close to me and question even my spouse. ( yes, my dreams seem to spark up emotions that I hate)   Fear of failure.  I rarely do anything that requires risk.  Why?  Well why not?  Who wants to risk failing, missing the mark, making errors that put us in the center to be ridiculed?  I am a natural "dreamer" I can tell you many ideas and plans or things I would like to do, but never really try because deep down inside I feel like it wont happen or I can't do it.  Fear of the future.  I can continue forever with fears that never seem to end, but I'd rather get to the really good stuff that God says!

Living in fear makes me NOT me.  God can't use us to our potential when we bind ourselves with our own insecurities and restraints.  All we can do is try.  I remember hearing Joyce Meyers say "Do it AFRAID".   Who knows how things will turn out, or if there will be let downs and bumps along the way but  Psalm 34 : 17 states " The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them, HE DELIVERS THEM FROM ALL THEIR TROUBLES".  So basically, what I'm reading is : YES there will be troubles, it wont always be a smooth journey through this life, BUT God will deliver us, not from some of our troubles and leave the big troubles to crush us.  No, HE will deliver us from ALL our troubles. 

What areas are you living beneath what God has called you to be?  What is holding you back from being relentless in your walk with God?  What memories or thoughts keep you on lockdown?  What would you do if you weren't afraid? How would you live if that fear wasn't halting your ambitions?


God, fear can be debilitating.  It can leave us stuck in a situation for years not knowing how to escape or even wanting to try. It can make our walk with you distant because we don't want to get too close and deal with any issues or discomfort of correction and growth.  God please help us release our fears to YOU with the EXPECTATION that YOUR word is TRUE, and that you WILL deliver us from our fears.  Help us to dream again, believe again.  Help our hearts be free and our minds be at ease with out tension and worry weighing us down.  In the name of Jesus, I cast all our cares to You because YOU care for us.  Please deliver us from ourselves and our old ways of thinking.

Psalm 34:4 " I SOUGHT the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears"........What a sweet verse to meditate on....

The Great I AM "my Provider"

 

Financial stress is not new to me.  I have dealt with feeling financial pressure from a very young age.  I will NEVER forget all the school loans I took out during my undergraduate years, not  to splurge on meaningless  material things, but help me pay for daycare (struggles of being a single parent and trying to finish school), help make car payments ( I needed transportation) and just the necessities of school.  I look back now and think about times I would say " I'm not hungry" when my school friends and I would have lunch, mainly because I really didn't have money to pay for myself.  I remember one of my closest friends and I sharing 3 bucks and getting chips ( hot cheetohs LOL) and a drink.  It was enough to get by and have some fuel.

 

I remember being angry that my dad left and didn't ever come back like he said when he went to start a business overseas and got settled.  We never got financial help when he left, but the main pain was just the fact he was gone.  Living with my mom was a move from God, I know it.  It placed me in a position to have freedom to go to church and not worry about hiding my faith or being scared of causing anger to my dad.  In a financial sense, she too did not have a lot money, but spiritually we were rich.  However, as a young teenage girl, the affects of not having a lot of money seemed to over shadow the spiritual blessings.  What I'm trying to say is,  there were YEARS where I struggled coming up with enough money to buy school clothes in high school, college, gas, food, ect.  When I went to UCLA as a freshman in college, I had the biggest culture SHOCK in my LIFE!  I felt as though many of my school friends came from well off backgrounds and I just felt inferior, embarrassed that I didn't have as much as others ( I know this sounds probably insignificant, but trust me, the enemy used this to get me to think I didn't belong and no one could relate to me).

Parties, birthdays, and celebrations, always seemed so stressful for me, because I wanted to give great gifts, actually anything, but barely had enough to give what my heart wanted.  It may seem futile to write this, but when you are in a financial rut and you long to give to others and CAN'T, it is a mental, emotional weight carried in your heart. 

I know what its like to be the borrower, and have close friends help me when I had nothing.  I know what its like to look for change in couches or under places to just buy diaper rash cream, even GAS!  I know what its like to try to do a budget only to realize you don't make enough to pay the bills, and you wonder where is the extra money going to come from?

I remember just clinging to Deuteronomy 28:13 "The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom."

I told God I wanted to be a lender, to help those in need.  I told God, I was tired of feeling like I was on the bottom barely getting by, living in defeat.  When I got a hold of that verse, it was a reminder of God's heart to bless us, help us even financially.  I want to be blessed so I can bless others.
Here I am NOW.....God you have taken me from the financial hardship of my youth and have placed my feet on solid ground.  You have given me hope and many opportunities to grow and see YOUR mighty hand move on my behalf.  You've done so much for me....for me....I can NEVER EVER repay you for your goodness to me. God Thank you for the "turn around".  Thank you for making me the head and not the tail.  Thank you for supplying all of our needs.  God I come to you now, many people are struggling, working their hearts and bodies tirelessly to make a living.  Please give us help, please bless your people.  Take any financial mountain that stand in our way and show your mighty power.  Give our minds rest from financial stress, help us to look away from the number crunching and the daunting struggle of being debt free and look to you for guidance in how to manage money.  For those that need blessing over businesses, bless them, for those who need a job, provide, for those who are barely making it, bring abundance! I ask this in the only name that matters...in JESUS NAME AMEN!

Romans 15:13 " May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and PEACE as you TRUST in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hope

There are prayers that I have been praying for years.  Hopes of restoration and healing that I have been waiting for God to answer.  There are situations that I see as my "thorns" that keep me in prayer.  They actually poke me to remind me to keep fighting, fasting, praying and bring me to my knees because I get tired, restless and many times discouraged.  I remember reading a verse in the bible that said " Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12.
I remember telling God, my heart is sick, how long Jesus until things are settled?  You said hope deferred makes the heart sick, so when is my longing going to be fulfilled?  Well I would love to say that HE responded quick and easy, but NO HE didn't.  What I realized and am still learning is that through this waiting, I am learning more about God's nature, about HIS timing about MY heart and what I still need to work on in ME.  Going through the wait or having this hope fulfilled is teaching me more about what many verses in the bible mean.  For instance in Romans 8:24-25 it says " For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not YET have, we wait for it patiently."

UGH!!! There's that word PATIENTLY .  Nope, don't got that down.  That's where I stop and say "Really, God? You don't think waiting for the past 12 years is enough? I mean to me that seems like a pretty good darn time?"  But then I think, actually NO, I haven't been the most patient and even now I KNOW I get in God's way with my attitude, complaining, anger and ATTITUDE.  Oh wait, I said that one already, well I guess that's because its a big one for me.  My attitude really needs a lot of work if I am going to be patient in my waiting.

There is a verse that I would sing in songs, I'm sure you might have heard it, it sings  "Your grace is enough for me".  I would sing it all happy like I meant it, until last summer the actual bible verse got me thinking.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9 God is talking to Paul about a struggle (thorn) that Paul is dealing with and says "MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN YOUR WEAKNESS".  It wasn't until last summer where that verse took hold of my heart.  I had been hoping, waiting for a certain situation to change or get closure in a matter.  I thought that getting that closure or being told what I wanted to hear from this person, was going to help me heal, feel better, move on.  The battle in my life was that I wanted to let out my frustration, tell this person all the wrong and pain they had caused me because you see, if I let it all out and tell them, then I was hoping that "HE/SHE" would make me feel better.  Quickly this verse made me think, what does it mean YOUR grace is enough?  I mean really what does that mean? 

God had instructed me to NOT talk, to NOT handle things my usual way, to keep still, silent and see how HIS grace was going to be enough to heal my wounds, lift my head and weary heart.  I remember it so strong in my spirit, that HIS grace, HIS love, HE alone was going to answer my aching heart EVEN THOUGH the situation wasn't changing.  I was hit with a reality check that I was believing more to get peace and strength from a person than I was from God.

Is it possible to have God's grace and that be enough to somehow have peace when life seems off balance?  Is it possible to wait patiently when our prayers seem to linger and not get the quick response?  Well, for me I have no other choice, I have to believe that HIS grace will carry me through the waiting of my HOPE being fulfilled. 

Jesus, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for giving me hope against all hope.  Thank you for creating the gift of hope.  It has been an anchor to my soul.  YOU are my hope God.  You are my GOD who does the impossible.  You are my best friend,  I can not say thank you enough because  your grace  has carried me all these years.  God I am sure there are many out there who have prayers that seem to go unanswered, but help us to continue to hope against all hope as Abraham did.  God, work in our minds that we wouldn't let doubt and discouragement bring out the worst in us, but help us relax, and trust you.  And Lord, when we've run out of words to say, please intercede on our behalf.  Help us to be still and rest in YOU!